Temporary Understanding
by ChiharuSato22
Summary: It isn't forever, it's just for now. This is Lavi's understanding of his own situation. It won't solve the problem but, at least, it will give him some time. It is just a temporary solution - a temporary understanding. LaviAllen


There was just something about him that Lavi couldn't quite place. It had always been like that. Lavi had always had that awkward, improbable feeling. That feeling welled up in his chest whenever there was Allen Walker—when he talked to Allen (which was often, might I add); when he was around Allen; when Allen was mentioned. He could never identify it, though. What it was, no matter how much he thought it over or tried to figure it out, he could never understand what made him feel that way. It was beyond the simplicity of friendship. If only it was as simple as friendship. Poor, poor Lavi, he didn't understand. He felt it; he knew it; he understood it—he just didn't grasp that he was feeling _that_ feeling towards Allen Walker. What a shame it was, really.

Yes, he was a Bookman. Bookman were observant—noticed everything; memorized everything; recorded everything—but, for some reason, he didn't notice this. No, he _couldn't_ notice this. What a folly that was. Because, in all honesty, Lavi—or rather Bookman Junior—should have known, by now. He should have been able to see this. No, not see this before it came for that is what we call precaution. But, rather, he should have understood what he was feeling and taken heed to it. Really, it was terribly unforgivable that the successor of Bookman could not interpret the simplest yet most complex emotion there was. It was basic and fundamental but it was also far too complex to comprehend. It made people do irrational things and turned them away from their paths. It started wars in history, destroying entire nations. It caused so much pain. But, for Bookman Junior (not Lavi, here, for Lavi is only an alias) it was simply not permitted because it turned them away from the neutrality that was required to be a Bookman—it made them failures. Hence the saying, "Bookmen have no need for a heart". Despite not comprehending, Bookman Junior could feel a stab of pain that accompanied a great failure.

No one could blame Lavi for developing this emotion first and allowing it to seep into Bookman Junior. Really, it was impossible to place blame on anyone—especially, not Allen..._never_ Allen. The poor boy had already a heavy enough burden for someone his age—for _anyone_—only a cruel person could place more on his shoulders. Still, it wasn't Lavi's (or Bookman Junior's, for that matter) fault. Allen was such an alluring object—kind and gentle with everyone; polite to a fault—his personality was so warm and welcome. Not only that, Allen had the most beautiful appearance—his snow white hair suited him finely despite it being a part of the curse and the curse mark (or scar) wasn't so much a blemish for nothing could make that angelic face seem distorted in the least bit; he had pale skin that was soft to the touch and Lavi couldn't help but shudder every time he brushed up against him. Still, for a Bookman, the most intriguing could be his past and the prediction of his future—him being the Destroyer of Time was what brought them there in the first place; he may well be the Fourteenth Noah and curiosity _did_ play its part, Lavi would admit; he was stained with such heavy anguish from losing Mana and, though comical, his horrible past being trained under General Marian Cross. No one was _not_ drawn to him, Lavi would admit—even Kanda was drawn to him. Sometimes, he found himself inexplicably jealous of people at the most inopportune of moments.

It was too late, though. Lavi _and_ Bookman Junior both had done the deed and sealed it with their own thoughts and words. He could no longer make this ink on paper—he was part of something and couldn't bring himself to break these bonds. Lessons he had learned were many but one, among others, was that it was harder and more painful to let go of bonds after you had one. He was a failure as a Bookman. His life's works shattered by one person and only one thought. He couldn't even bring himself to regret his subconscious decision. Allen weighed heavier in importance to him. Allen Walker was something he couldn't deny—he had realized that. He couldn't deny any of this or hide any of this any longer.

Perhaps, his conclusion had been wrong. It felt right to him, though. Yes, it felt right. It was a bit awkward and made him want to shy from Allen but he knew that his conclusion, now, had to be correct. There was no other explanation. Actually, there could be many ranging from delirium to psychosis but he knew he wasn't mentally ill. He knew it was all very irrational, too. To have such feelings for another male was beyond taboo. It was a disgrace to not only his culture and the Black Order but to God. He was sorry—he apologized. He really couldn't stop this, though. He wasn't lying when he said that he had tried to turn away from these feelings like a coward but they just wouldn't leave him. He really had tried hard. Maybe, he hadn't tried for God or the Black Order or for the acceptance of his culture but for Bookman's sake, but that did not mean he did not try. No one wishes to be a failure.

He would do anything for Allen. He had realized that long before Allen disappeared—kidnapped by Tyki Mikk, a Noah. That only further reinforced his determination to protect Allen and his determination to throw his life on the line because the boy, Allen, _was_ that important to him. He had felt such an overwhelming tide of self-pity during that time when he had thought he had lost Allen that he only wanted to ridicule himself for it asking if he was really that desperate. Still, it was only Allen that he had ever felt this despite his usual routines. He could say that with great pride and knowledge that it was true.

So, his conclusion was that he loved Allen Walker. He loved Allen Walker for who he was. He did not love Allen _despite_ of his flaws but rather _because_ of his flaws. That was what made him so perfect. Allen was an angel. Lavi was sure of it.

Lavi (perhaps he has become Lavi and is no longer Bookman Junior) pined for Allen but never expected Allen to return these feelings and emotions. He simply wanted to be there by Allen's side until his last day had come to pass. Or, until Allen's final day came. He knew that he would regret not spending enough time with precious Allen but he knew just as well that, no matter how much more time he spent with Allen, it would never be enough. He would always want more of Allen. It was selfish but he didn't care. He was human, after all. All he could do and know was that he loved Allen. For now, he would settle for now because, for now, it was all there was. That was enough, for now.


End file.
